How to Violently Procure Three Grand a Year

I have found that money is tricky to get your hands on, and when there’s inflation it’s even trickier to hold onto.

I have also found that it very rarely trickles down to you on its own. In that way, it seems to defy gravity. If only it resembled a waterfall more than we were promised it did in the ‘80s! Heck, I’d even settle for a stream that trickles down a few extra dollars a day.

But we, the resourceful proletariat, have the power to slow our inflation-hemorrhaging budgets to a manageable trickle. So here are 3 ways you can violently seize $3,000 (of your own money) each year.

To be clear, I very strongly repudiate resorting to actual violence to procure or preserve your money. But I have employed violent rhetoric because it makes being frugal seem way cooler. (Sorry, Mom.)

When it comes to groceries, beat the system to a pulp.

There is a food chain of grocery stores. And in most regions, there is one grocery outlet that feeds off all the mainstream grocery chains by purchasing their excess inventory. It could be considered the alpha predator of the food chain — even though on first glance, it may appear to be the bottom feeder.

If you can find this alpha grocery store in your area, you’ll save so much money as to basically have a 2nd job. But it’s the kind you don’t have to log hours for! Which I happen to consider the best kind of 2nd job (or 1st for that matter).

In our area, it’s BB’s Amish Grocery Outlet. Their prices are so staggeringly low as to have forever ruined us for the Giants and Wegmanses, and even the Aldis, of the world. I mean, who sells a bag of high-end chips for 75 cents or a box of cereal for a buck-50?

Amish people, that’s who.

So thank you, Amish people. Keep doing your thing.

Money we save per year: $1,200

Kill your overpriced cell phone provider.

We used to pay Verizon a whopping $127 a month for 2 lines. Now we pay Ting just $42 a month. Which amount seems preferable to you? Personally, I’m a big fan of the latter. But hey, that’s just me.

The mobile carrier monoliths — like Sprint, T-Mobile, Verizon, and others that pay celebrities millions of your dollars to plug their product — would love for you to think that $100 to $150 a month is a totally normal amount to pay for a cell phone plan (and that doesn’t even include the actual cell phone!).

But here’s the thing: It’s totally not normal. It’s highway robbery.

So don’t get robbed on the highway anymore. You deserve to keep that grand.

Money we save per year: $1,000

Kill your cable provider and play hard to get with the streaming platforms.

Traditional cable television is a giant, lumbering, nearly extinct woolly mammoth. And it’s the worst kind of woolly mammoth: The kind that charges you a hundred bucks a month to ride on its ancient back. In the era of streaming platforms galore, that exorbitant expense simply isn’t necessary anymore.

So kill your cable TV provider and just sign up for 2 or 3 (or heck, even 6) streaming platforms. Each one has an inventory as big as a small universe, so you’ll still have nearly infinite content to watch. But you’ll pay a mere 25% to 50% of what Xfinity or Verizon Fios or DirecTV charged you.

Then you can even take it a step further by toggling on-and-off with the streamers you can live without for part of the year. For instance, we subscribe to Netflix for 3-5 months a year, tops.

De-platform your streaming platform now and then. Don’t give them the luxury of brand loyalty. Toy with their emotions. Don’t be afraid to play hard to get.

I bet they’ll respect you more for it.

But even if not, at least you’ll have your self-respect.

(And I promise you’ll still have more to watch than you could binge in 8 lifetimes.)

Money we save per year: $800, admittedly a ballpark figure

So there’s three grand you can keep in your pocket.

What will you do with that three grand? Renovate your house? Get your loan or credit card paid off? Take one epic international family trip, or a few equally epic family road trips? Buy 2 tickets (or possibly just 1) to the Super Bowl?

You can pick a different thing every year!

Use your imagination.

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